Confessions of a Cheatee..

The idea of cheating has always been one that made me angry and disappointed at the same time. I have seen how it can tear apart a whole family and causes more unhappiness than is necessary.

The truth is that cheating, in any form, CHANGES EVERYTHING, whether we want it to or not.

The argument has been debated from many sides, as the cheater, as the one being cheated on and the uninvolved victim, but what about the cheatee, the person being cheated with. In most cases the cheatee is seen as the guilty party, the one who seduced the cheater into, well, cheating. Is this the full story though?

I have always loathed the cheatee. In Maretha Marten's book A Pot Vol Winter I hated the women that made the loving father and principle cheat. Maybe that was because I hated the woman who had torn apart my own family. In both these cases these women knew what they were doing right from the start, they seduced. I still hate those women and I don't believe that will ever change.

But what if you are the one on the other end of the cheating. What if you turn out to be the cheatee, and you didn't know.

Guys can be cruel. Most of the time girls are seen as the seducers, the ones making the boys weak at the knees and buckle under the temptation, but that is the stigma, not the reality. What if the guy is the one doing the lying, what if he just never told you he was turning you into the cheatee.

To some this is just another hook-up, to others falling in love with the cheater is the worst kind of punishment for their crime they could be dealt. We can not help who we fall for and when it turns out to be the guy that is already taken, we are left with a broken heart and a big scoop of guilt, just to top off the ice cream sunday of failure.

The question is not whether what happened was right or not, or whether it was meant to happen or not. It is what do you do now?

I don't have the answer to this, because I am there, and I don't know what to do. Do you keep on loving this person who lied to you because of the fact that he was at least honest and says he loves you back or do you kick him under this lying ass and send him packing. Even a bigger question, how do you look the girl, the one who was cheated on, in the eye...

Love is the thing in the world that has caused wars and peace, heartbreak and livelong happiness. But is love enough. Is it fair to put your love above that of others. Is love enough to cover up a lie...

Ironing out the creases...

Sometimes when cloths hang on a hanger
in one way for too long,
it is difficult to iron out
the creases
and you feel like just throwing
the piece out altogether,
despite costing a pretty penny.
BUT we forget...
with a little steam,
hard work
and love,
all those folds can be flattened out again
and the piece of clothing
can be as good as new,
at times, even better...

Never throw something away
just because it is
a little damaged...

Coffee and Cigarettes...

The title of this one might be all misleading and all, but it does make good sense, in my head... haha! Yhea in MY head... But more about that later.

We all have this burning question in our deepest darkest souls. The big question of

Who am I???

Honestly I don't think there is one person on this planet who can in all honesty answer that question. We all try, but really we can't.

And the reason most of us can't answer this burning question, is as simple as painting the sky blue, We don't know who we are...

It's here where the title comes in. As a student coffee and cigarettes are some of the most common things in a home. We try to define ourselves through the things we have, the things we think will convey a curtain image and most importantly the things other people say. Even the strongest of personalities seek approval from those around us and without even noticing it really we start to become who they want us to be.

Well, I have one very simple answer to this... Fuck Everyone Els!

Ok, maybe that's a bit extreme, but in the image obsessed world we live in today, radical steps have to be taken to achieve the minimum results.

I don't think knowing who you are is a quick once off seminar you attend for a weekend and then you know who you are. I believe it is a proses - a long and painful one. The problem so many of us stop trying to figure ourselves out when we start to fit the norm. People say they like different, but just their different and definitely not too different, 'cause then they might just stand out too much. It's these just-not-too-weird people who usually feel threatened by those people who believe in being just who you are and no one els.

The thing is when we finally start to love for ourselves the coffee and cigarettes won't be there to show off a certain image anymore. They will be there because you love them and they are part of who you are ( and who knows, maybe you'll realise you like chamomile tea better than coffee, it happens).

I don't know who I am yet, but I know I am me. I live for me and I try to love me everyday, despite all my flaws. So maybe you're gay, maybe you're straight. Maybe you're a perfectionist, maybe you're the biggest slob ever. That is you. Only when we start to accept us as, well, us, then we will find the answer to the question, who am I...

Write Untill It All Makes Sense...

Writing has always been my saving grace. I can't remember a time in my life when I was not telling some or other story and then sitting down and writing it. When I was younger pictures where part of the package deal, today the words are the pictures. But writing has also always felt like the most honest way of expressing myself, which if you think about it, is quite scary... So the moment I stop being honest with myself and I fall into that black hole called my own mind, I stop writing.

Now I've been told, "Write. Write until it all makes sense..."

So I will now start to put pen to paper once more, figurative speaking, and I will not stop until it all makes sense. I'm not saying this is going to be easy. I might never find the sense I'm looking for, but at least then I can say I did my best trying.

Wish me luck and please bear with me. This is not going to be an easy task, but maybe, somehow I'll actually be able to not only find my own sense, but help someone els make sense of their shit. For now, here I am, just me. So let's see where this goes...

Eyes Wide Open...

I guess i haven't really written anything in a while, but my life seems to have been one whirlwind of craziness the last few months of 2010. That is why 2011 will be a fresh start for me...

Already I've realised that starting all over again is much easier said than done. It's easy to say we are going to forget about the things and people who have made us sad and hopeless (hopelessly in love, hopeless at proving yourself and just a plain hopeless case).

In real life (this is a word I really like, 'cause most of the time I feel like I live in my own head) we like to hold on to the things that make us sad and hopeless, and this turns us into even more hopeless cases of patheticness (well, it's a word now...). We hold on to these things because really, it's all we know. It's save, and even if the only feeling we have when thinking about these things are pain and failure, at least we feel something.

This brings me to the point I'm actually trying to make as I sit here at the start of a new year.

We don't see because we don't want to see...

I know what you're thinking. How the hell did she go from saying we hold on to the things that hurt us, to saying we don't see because we don't want to see...???

But just think about it for a moment. We hold on to the things that hurt us, because we don't want to see that they are hurting us! (A bit of a long intro I know, blame it on verbal diarea)

In our daily lives we do it all the time. We see the boy begging on the side of the road everyday, but do we ever really see him. An extreme example I know, but be honest, if you really did see the begging boy, wouldn't you care just a little more. Another silly example is one we see in almost every teen movie, where the girl doesn't see that her best friend is in love with her. In reality it's not because she's all in love with the most popular guy is school (most of us girls are not stupid enough to believe that rugby jock hotshot has more than 2 braincells to have a decent conversation with). She doesn't see that he is in love with her, because she doesn't want to see it! She doesn't want to see their friendship crumbling and turing to dust, because they never show us the real ending a year or 2 later when the relationship kinda just goes back to being friends who make out and has no real growth.

Sometimes though we don't see something that's been right there in front of us all the time. We don't want to see it, 'cause this would mean that you were wrong, that you would have to start all over and that you are going to cry yourself to sleep for the next few weeks. It's a defence mechanism. Non of us want to hurt and thus we make ourselves believe that our idea is the truth, to protect ourselves.

In a way it is really very smart, but it's also not real life...

We need to start to see what is staring us in the face and not just what we want to see. Sure it makes for a much more comfortable world when you can just block out all the bad, but it also makes for a person who does not see the truth. And the moment we refuse to see the truth, the beauty of the real world will also start to pass us by...

We MUST see it ALL and we must take it in and only then will we be able to become as heroic and amazing as the characters in our own minds, 'cause we are those amazing characters, we just have to open our eyes, and SEE...

And So It Begins...

The whole blogging thing has always been a bit of a mystery to me. For the longest time i've been threatening to start my own one, but it's taken me this long to finally get started. You'll have to excuse me if the first few postings aren't up to scratch and to be honest i'm not really expecting anyone to read my blog. Who would want to hear about the life of a publishing student in South Africa. This blog is more like a personal venting place for me. Somewhere i can speak my mind about what goes on in this crazy, beautiful world of ours...

Haha! Now that i'm sitting here, thinking about it for the first time really, i'm realising i should have done this a long time ago. Would have saved me so many headaches.

So this is it, my blog, AS FOR ANGELS. The name might sound a bit strange now, but really it's beautiful. For one it is very much what the book i'm writing now is about, but more about that later, and i believe that we all have gaurdian angels looking after us making sure we get through every day. And it sounded pretty! hehe!


I hope i'm not going to bore you and somehow you'll take something away from this blog that'll inspire you, make you believe in love and just smile. Enjoy!

Toodles!
PS daisies are my favorite flower so yhae...:)